I originally created this blog as an effort to be fully transparent with everyone on life after losing someone you love. As much as I wish I could say that I am accomplishing just that, I’m actually doing the opposite. I find that it’s still hard to put some things into words, but today is one of the days that I need to try.
I know that there are so many days that my life can come off as very “perfect” because of how much I’m doing (and how many accomplishments I seem to show on social media), but in reality, I went home and cried today because I felt dizzy (which isn’t abnormal for someone who’s had around 8 concussions). Being dizzy started to make me miss my mom and how she used to comfort me, and I also happen to be rewatching Never Have I Ever (which is about a girl who lost her dad suddenly) so that definitely didn’t help. Grief is not linear. You can grow, love, laugh, smile, and LIVE again… and still have days where it just feels so hard to breathe. GRIEF IS SUFFOCATING. Honestly, I haven’t had days like today in A WHILE, but when I have days like today, I don’t talk about it. I created this blog because I have a love for writing and a love for sharing my experiences so that others don’t feel like they are alone, yet these days still go so unheard of. So let me be loud and clear, THERE WILL ALWAYS BE DAYS WHERE GETTING OUT OF BED FEELS IMPOSSIBLE. You will NOT be happy all of the time, and that is OKAY.
Grief is NOT straightforward.
Grief is NOT consistent. Grief is NOT easy to understand. It is confusing, complicated, and overwhelming, but it’s beautiful because even though it sucks, it means that there was something so amazing that it hurts to know it’s gone. But however you are feeling IS MORE THAN VALID. However you are feeling IS CORRECT. There is no “right way” to grieve, but you also WILL have days where you will smile at their pictures and videos rather than feel that hole in your life. I’m THREE AND A HALF years in, and GRIEF IS NOT LINEAR. You are ALLOWED to not be “fine” all of the time. You are ALLOWED to feel things, AND express them!!! Grief is so… personal and unique to each and every single person (even when you think you have it figured out, I guarantee that you don’t). You are allowed to feel WHATEVER you want to feel.
Another thing is, we get so caught up in feeling like we don’t deserve to be happy when we lose someone we love just because they are not here… but it is truly quite the opposite. On the days that you are feeling happy, you earned it. On the days where you allow yourself to break down, you earned it. Don’t be afraid to share EITHER of those situations with those that you have around you. Don’t be afraid to be open. Don’t be afraid to HURT. Don’t be afraid to LOVE. Don’t be afraid to LIVE.
How I was feeling today was out of nowhere for me. I, again, have not felt this way in a while. There was no way to see it coming, but the feeling of not being able to breathe, has passed. I am okay again. I miss her, but I am okay.
You are NOT alone.
Grief is not linear. Don’t let the people around you convince you that it is.
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